If Apple built a motorcycle | Phil Hall in humour mode
We’ve all read the old “If Microsoft built a car” joke, so it caused me to wonder, what if Apple decided to build a motorcycle? What would it be like?
Well, if you thought gradual release of the original Kawasaki ZX-10R was drawn-out, the release of the iRide would be even more so. Speculation, fuelled by controlled leaks from the parent company to selected motorcycle magazines and high-profile blogs would go on for years before any sign of the product actually appeared.
Shortly before the official release day, the Apple faithful would go into overdrive (sorry ’bout that) as fuzzy, grainy photographs of the disguised prototype flood the internet and YouTube visitor figures would spike as a supposedly-official video of the bike being tested around the industrial estate in Cupertino, California were published.
Embarrassingly, Apple security was unable to block the publication of a private video of the test which showed the bike breaking down several times and the test riders showing obvious frustration with the bike’s “intuitive” controls.
Finally the release day would arrive, but the euphoria would be sobered somewhat when the supposedly production-ready bike careers off the stage at full speed with an Apple executive sales director hanging on for dear life.
Later the same executive would be shown appearing at a Press Conference to stun the assembled media with the explanation that, as this was a whole new concept of bike, riders would have to forget all about everything that had learned on other, inferior, bikes and trust their intuitions instead. The exec went on to say that he had forgotten this and had attempted to ride the bike as a “normal” bike. He hastily recanted this and replaced the word “normal” with “old fashioned”
SO, what WOULD the punters get for the strangely high price that Apple Inc expected them to pay for the iRide?
Well, the bike would only be available in one colour, grey. There would be no adjustability of controls as, by committing to buy an iRide, owners would have to agree to modify themselves to fit the product rather than the other way around.
There would be no opportunity for owners to carry out any maintenance, as “ordinary” people cannot, obviously, be trusted to delve into the depths of such a high-tech device.
Once in use, owners would find that the so-called “intuitive” controls may, in fact, BE intuitive to Apple, but they are totally baffling to anyone else who seeks to use the product. And, as the iRide does not come with a manual (there isn’t even one available online for download), most owners, especially the early-adopters, some of whom who waited in long lines in the cold outside the Apple Store, will leave their iRides in the garage for long periods of time before, every now and then, venturing out to do battle with the incomprehensible machine again.
Apple’s Annual Report makes much of the lack of Warranty claims in the first year of ownership, conveniently ignoring the fact that the small number is in direct proportion to the lack of the bikes being actually ridden.
Owners who DO manage to fathom the “intuitive” controls and get out onto the road are often frustrated by the fact that the battery fails regularly and, since owner-maintenance is not allowed (see above), and their dealers can’t replace the battery either, they have had to demand a new, replacement bike.
Months into the life of the iRide, and despite assurances that the firmware has been upgraded, the battery problem lingers on.
Other issues soon surface. Apparently the inbuilt GPS on the iRide is set so that the bike can only travel on Apple-approved roads. This causes some riders to have to take huge detours in order to reach their destination and many are unable to be able to reach it at all.
As well, despite assurances from the company that owners would not be “locked in” to loyalty to Apple Inc, it becomes obvious immediately that this is not so. The iRide will only operate if fuelled with Apple-approved fuel purchased from an Apple-approved service station. Use of any other petrol trips a sensor in the ECU, immobilizing the machine until the tank is drained and refilled with “proper” fuel.
The internet begins to become clogged with forums devoted to problems and frustrations related to the iRide. Sites such as www.theiridesucks.com begin springing up everywhere. The initial flurry of excitement quickly fades and Apple dealerships find themselves with showrooms clogged with unsold bikes. Despite this, and despite the fact the second-hand sales of the iRide just don’t seem to happen at all (or, if they do, the sale price is a pittance compared to what was paid just a few, short months before) Apple issues instructions to its dealers that they are not to discount and that RRP is to be maintained.
Adding to Apple’s woes is the fact that the other manufacturers have quickly developed new bikes that match, and often better, Apple’s list of features, that don’t lock their owners into slavery to the manufacturer, sell far more cheaply, have none of the “advantages” of the iRide, in short, that actually WORK.
Apple call a Press Conference again, with the company’s motorcycle division haemorrhaging money. The company’s head of Research and Development takes centre stage and, after spending 20 minutes berating the assembled journalists for their “negative” reporting, proceeds to tell the stunned audience that there is nothing at all wrong with the iRide and that the fault is with the owners who are not “technologically savvy” enough to master such a sophisticated product. In Question Time later one of the journalists asks what everyone is thinking, “Excuse me, Sir, but by “not technologically savvy” do you mean that they are stupid?”
The skivvy-wearing executive glares at the journalist and continues on to take the next question.
A year later, with sales and interest dwindling to almost zero, Apple announces a “major upgrade” to the iRide. “Great,” say most, “The company has finally seen sense and brought out a mainstream bike” Imagine their horror when the iRideII turns out to be the iRide in a better choice of colours.
Be warned. It COULD happen.
(I’m not even going to MENTION the iScooter and the aborted (thankfully) iMotoGP project)
PS: If you can see a parallel or two between this fanciful creation and the stories of some bikes that HAVE been produced by REAL manufacturers, then you have probably grasped the whole idea of why I wrote this article.
