MotoGP through the crazed bloodshot eyes of Boris | Round One

MotoGP 2022 – Round One – Qatar

From the towel-draped couch in Borrie’s lounge room, come his keyboard-brutalising dissections of every round of the greatest sport on earth. One-eyed, biased, passionate, and sometimes unhinged and wildly incorrect, this is his take on the 2022 MotoGP season.

THE RESUMPTION OF HOSTILITIES

And so it began. In the desert. In the dark. Where all great things begin. Like hunting wild camels with a spear.

The 2022 MotoGP season would be great. I could feel it in my bones.

It would be the first season in a quarter of a century without Valentino Rossi, but I was a little tired of watching him racing Nakagami for 12th. So maybe it’s better this way.

But there were many questions to consider before hostilities recommenced. And testing revealed nothing other than Honda has built a brand new bike it hopes Pol can ride as well as Marc.

So would this be the year that makes or breaks Marc Marquez and his claim to be the Greatest of All Time. Is he back to full fitness, or is he just saying that? How many corners does he really see?

Would it be the year Jack Miller climbs to the top of the pile, beats Mir with a tyre-iron, and has a statue of himself erected in Bologna? Or does he start talking to Suzuki about a ride next year?

I felt Fabulous would certainly defend his title with more fire than the previous champion, Joan Mir, ever managed. And he turned up to race with hair dyed blonder than a gangster’s girlfriend, so I was hopeful he’d be just as ready to bang.

I was also keen to see five of the fiercest rookies ever. And they are ready to rock – or think they are. Marco Bezzecchi, Raul Fernandez, Binder the Younger, Fabio Di Giannantonio, and Remy Gardner all hope they got this. Whatever ‘this’ is or turns out to be, which will hopefully not be an air-fence or earth-orbit.

And would last season’s rookies would be this season’s weapons? Jorge Martin, Luca Marini, and Enea ‘The Beast’ Bastianini know more this year than they did last year – and they were fast last year.

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Ducati figured 2022 was to be an all-guns blazing affair, and it has more guns that it ever had before. Eight Ducatis on the grid to grab a title which has eluded it since the days of Casey Stoner.

The Aprilia’s also appear to be faster than ever – but will Aleix Espargaro and Maverick Vinales be able to get the best out of the bikes and themselves? Will their bromance blossom or turn to bitter recrimination and shin-kicking? It would be a win either way, I thought.

And one can never discount the Suzukis, freshly commanded by Livio Suppo. If Rins can keep it on the track, he’s faster than Mir, but Mir has a hot mum and a world title to his name.

So many things to consider, which I was duly considering as I watched Practice.

I noted the Yamaha’s were down on top speed. I saw Jack banging his thighs and steeling his eyes. I saw Vinales purse-lipped and pensive. And I didn’t see Dovi at all, but I knew he was there.

I also heard a rumour that Bagnaia was riding last year’s bike, but Davide Tardozzi quickly dispelled that furphy.

“This is bullshit!” he told Simon Crafar. “It’s just a different-spec’ 2022 model.” For future reference, note that of the eight Ducatis on the grid, five are 2022 models and three are 2021 models.

I saw the bottom of Brad Binder’s fairing fall off in FP1, and figured KTM would be speaking with the mechanic responsible. The bloke doing that speaking would be Fabiano Sterlacchini, the new technical director. And formerly Gigi Dall’Igna’s strong right-hand.

And I saw Jack get the shits with Remy. Jack felt Remy got in his way on a hot lap and the normal shits followed. But at least he didn’t grab him by the chin-piece like he did Mir last year.

The grid, when it formed up, was fascinating. Jorge Martin was on pole, The Beast was beside him, and Marc Marquez completed the first row. Miller was in fourth, followed by the two Espargaro brothers – both of whom had shown some intent during qualifying.

Four of the rookies, Di Giannantonio, Raul, Remy, and Darryn filled out the back of the grid, with Dovizioso, possibly the oldest sorta-rookie of all time, just ahead of them. The last rookie, Bezzecchi found himself mid-pack.

The run to the first corner almost saw pole-sitter Martin take out The Beast as opening-round nerves lashed him, but it was Marc Marquez and Pol Espargaro who went around first, followed by Brad Binder, who’d grabbed third from seventh on the grid. The Beast was in fifth, Mir in fourth, and the battle commenced.

Fabulous was back in seventh after passing Martin and was looking to see to Aleix and his Aprilia, which would have been interesting, but then Pol passed Marc and was leading the race, and I kinda sat up a bit.

They were all bunched up at the front and first few laps were Pol, Marc, Brad, Mir, and The Beast. Bagnaia’s opening effort was pretty awful. He was back in 14th and Fabulous didn’t look like he was gonna be special.

And Rins was coming up behind the defending world champion, while The Beast was full of beastliness and Mir’s fourth looked to be doomed.

Things settled a little. Marc seemed content to shadow Pol, as Binder shadowed him and towed Mir along, who was being chased by The Beast. Rins, back in eighth, was the fastest man on the track.

Miller? Well, he was now in 14th, and going backwards. He only lasted a few more laps before pulling into the pits and declaring: “F**ken electronics!”

What was very noticeable was Ducati’s speed advantage down the straights. It was not there anymore. When The Beast tried to blast past Mir, it wasn’t happening for him. Suzuki had clearly done some work in the off-season.

Brad had managed to pass Marc and was now in second, and The Beast just out-rode Mir through the corners to grab fourth. He was now pressing Marquez very hard. And on the next lap, down the main straight, he hosed him.

Pol had taken advantage of the battles behind him to eke out an almost one-second lead, and he must have been wetting himself with joy. Finally! A Honda he could ride without becoming a gravel-plough.

Slowly, the top four, Pol, Brad, The Beast, and Marc, began to open a slight gap. This is about when Alex Marquez fell off somewhere in the middle of the pack, because Puig must always have someone to hurt after a race. It’s in the rules.

Oliveira was next to visit the gravel at Turn One, while Mir and Rins argued over sixth place. Just as that started to look interesting, Bagnaia took out Jorge Martin. Martin was coming around him on the outside and Bags lost the front end. He then patted Martin a little in the gravel, and they looked to be friends again as they both limped back to the pits.

It was certainly a shit night for the Ducati factory team. But Pol was having a blinder. He was more than a second clear of Binder and didn’t look like he was going to catch him with nine laps remaining.

The Beast went for it. He had to pass Binder if he was going to catch Pol and hear the Spaniard’s heart break. And that’s exactly what he did. It was magnificent to watch. Lap by lap, corner by corner, Enea Bastianini hunted Pol down – much like one would hunt a camel in the desert. A tenth here, a tenth there, and then five laps before the end, The Beast speared his camel.

Pol ran wide, which also allowed Brad Binder to whizz past. Aleix had also passed Marquez for fourth, so the brothers may have been battling for the last step of the podium. But no matter how good Aprilia makes that bike, Aleix just can’t ride it fast enough to win anything. Or even pass his brother on the Honda.

Puig would have two Honda riders on his Punishment Mat after the race.

The Beast hammered out a one-and-a-half second lead over Brad, and the Gresini team, now managed by Fausto’s widow, Nadia Padovani, literally washed the pits out with tears of happiness when Enea crossed the line.

It was very moving to see, actually. Such genuine and quite unexpected joy is great to behold. The Beast himself was awash with tears. His win was superb. Clean, and hard-fought. Like killing a charging bull-camel under a full moon with a 100-metre spear-throw.

Zarco managed to knife his fellow countryman on the line, by seven-thousandths of a second to grab eighth spot.

Marquez finished fifth. Make of that what you will. Marc’s saying it had something to do with tyre-choice.

Raul Fernandez, was the slowest rookie, Remy the fastest. Maverick was 23 seconds shy of the top spot, so it’s possible he may start rev-bombing the crap out of his Aprilia the next race. He has form there.

So that’s the desert done and dusted. 

Indonesia is next. And that’s gonna be special, for very obvious reasons.

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MotoGP Championship Standings